I am 5 months post-partum, I had a c-section and then an open myomectomy 4 months later. So yeah, your math is right two massive surgeries and a newborn in four months. Oh, and as if things weren’t nutty enough, we bought a house and moved.
I had a wild pregnancy. The pandemic wasn’t even the wildest part. I learned at my first prenatal visit that maybe I had been pregnant for months, maybe I was carrying twins or maybe I had a fibroid because I was measuring at four months pregnant when I thought that I was six weeks pregnant. Because I am old and I was not on an episode of Teen Mom I knew that there was no way I was pregnant for months. I mean, I was peeing on ovulation sticks. You know you when you are and aren’t pregnant when you are trying to get pregnant. The twins part was an okay thought, I figured who doesn’t like two for the price of one? The fibroid was kind of the last thing I was thinking about.
That appointment was on July 2, 2020. The angst was high and I couldn’t wait for my first ultrasound to get some answers. That weekend I began to develop pain and they thought maybe I was having an ectopic pregnancy but I couldn’t get a rushed ultrasound over the holiday weekend. Fireworks were going off inside of me and around me. I sadly couldn’t wait for the long weekend to be over.
I luckily didn’t have an ectopic pregnancy but during my first ultrasound, I learned that I had a 16 cm fibroid posterior to my uterus. For those of you who don’t know the metric system 16 cm = fucking huge. I was told that it didn’t look like it had a blood supply so it shouldn’t get any bigger. Man, was that inaccurate. By the end of my pregnancy, the fibroid grew to 21 cm = fucking scary.
During my pregnancy I was in the ER multiple times and treated to avoid preterm labor, I had to go on disability from work to manage pain and preterm labor. I was in extreme pain almost all of the time but the hardest thing to manage was that I was in fear almost all of the time. I would take the pain over the fear any day.
My delivery was simply put scary. I knew that there were a couple of things that might have happened that day. I was going to have a higher incision to accommodate the fibroid and to reach the baby and I was maybe going to need a t-shaped incision on my uterus. What I learned the day of my c-section was that I would possibly need a blood transfusion. I was prepped with two IVs. Blood was ordered ahead of time and already in the OR as there wouldn’t be time to waste should I need it. Alternatively, they would maybe need to give me some medicine to stop the bleeding or place some kind of ball in my uterus to stop the bleeding. Lastly, I was told that if it came down to it, they would have to take my uterus to save my life.
So, I was freaking terrified for the safety of my baby but it had never ever crossed my mind in nine months that my well-being was at risk. I was okay with letting go of vanity and having a higher incision but I wasn’t okay with giving up my uterus or my life. In all honestly, I still cry every time I tell this story. I have tears in my eyes as I even type this. I had never been this scared before.
I worked with my healer for many weeks leading up to my c-section to get mentally and emotionally prepared. We had an amazing session the morning of my delivery and even so when I was given that information, I was rocked. I couldn’t get out of fear mode. I broke down, my husband and I exchanged scared and loving looks. I didn’t have a chance to tell him that I loved him or to plan what life would be like for Hazel if I weren’t in it.
Right after that bomb, I went straight in for my epidural, I was shaking uncontrollably. My arms flailed during the whole procedure. While I recited affirmations in my head, I still felt struck with fear. Hazel is a tough cookie, she weathered an obtrusive roommate for months and hung in there while the thing was degenerating and wreaking havoc on my system. It turns out she kicked her legs down and the doctor was able to grab her and avoid touching the fibroid. Interacting with the fibroid is what could have caused major bleeding. Your body is more vascular while pregnant so they had to keep the monster sleeping while they went in to get Hazel.
While I was so happy that Hazel made it out safely, I had to immediately switch gears after seeing her and focus on getting myself out of there. I regret not being able to bask in her presence more but I was in survival mode. Every day since I have worked to be present when I am with her, her presence is something I never take for granted.
In the end, all I needed was some medicine to stop the bleeding. I got a healthy baby and the opportunity to keep my uterus and my life. To be honest, the odds of the uterus coming out is unclear because none of it was predictable, we were dealing with an unpredictable foreign object. Maybe the odds weren’t that high but any odds in that direction felt high to me.
My doctor told me we got extremely lucky and that the fibroid was terrifying. At that point, it was the size of my head. The story with the fibroid was not over but my beautiful baby was safe and out in the world.
Two days postpartum, I had a meltdown. Apparently, that is when all of the estrogen drops. I was in extreme pain from surgery and also I hadn’t shaken off the fear. I cried hysterically that night and like a scene from a movie, a nurse came in and combed my hair to comfort me. I recall thinking that I look like a person in an insane asylum, dressed in my hospital gown, crying and being soothed while my hair is brushed. I felt nuts and comforted at the same time. It turns out, I was having major PTSD from surgery. That would kick off a healing journey like none I had ever experienced before.
While I had just had a baby, my tears were also tied to future babies. I wanted to have more kids but this pregnancy and delivery were so difficult, I felt robbed of that. I was lettering the fear control the present and the future. That is something I am still working to rectify.
I made it through that night and I also can say that every day has gotten better since. Five months later, I am a happy and well-adjusted mama who is slowly letting go of some trauma.
Something I have learned is that pregnancy and birth are wild. No one tells you that and even if they do, it is not something you can comprehend until you experience it. I consider myself a compassionate person but there is no way in hell I ever understood my mama friends until now.
I know that was heavy but there was a very happy ending in spite of it all. What I want you to take away is that all pregnancies are deliveries are different. Some can be challenging like mine and others are smooth sailing.
For those experiencing a challenging one, hold on to hope. Get rooted in the power of possibility as the body is incredibly strong. It’s the mind that can weaken the body. Something that changed things for me during my pregnancy was thinking that Hazel wanted to be here just as much as I wanted her to be here. I believe in the power of manifestation and when I decided to get pregnant, I asked Hazel to join me and she did. She fought that fibroid durning my pregnancy, she masterfully kicked her way into the world and she also saved me in the process.
If you are pregnant, think about this little being wanting to be here as much as you want them to be here. Allow them to be strong. Even though they are small, they are mighty. Release some of that burden on you having to be the only one with strength and capacity to move forward. You are a team and together, everything is possible.
Wishing you strength and light.
xo