You’ve gotta know and love the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” I decided to look that saying up and according to Wikipedia (which I leveraged for the sake of time so forgive me if this is not 100% accurate) it states that "It takes a village to raise a child" is an African proverb that means that an entire community of people must provide for and interact positively with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment.
This goes beyond saying that you simply need people to “help others out” and it places responsibility on a community for molding the children within it. I wholeheartedly love and support that.
The reason I thought about this proverb is that I think there needs to be a sister saying “ “it takes a village to support a mother.” Something that I kept hearing from all of my postpartum care providers was “if mommy is happy, the baby is happy” and based on my personal experience that is very true. So, it leads me to say that one of the best ways to ensure that a child is properly supported is to help the mom feel supported. It is critical to have a support system while pregnant and after delivering your baby.
One of the biggest forms of support that we had was family. In a Covid world, we couldn’t have as many people visit as we would have liked but we were very fortunate to have my mother stay with us for four months. We actually kind of kidnapped her. She was supposed to stay one month but then we were waiting to see when my fibroid surgery might take place and then we needed help with the move—so we kept her. What I found though is that I didn’t need her to take care of the baby, I wanted to learn how to care for my baby and to bond with her. What I did need was for someone to take care of me and my household. Just because I was a mom now didn’t mean that I didn’t need someone to take care of me.
I got a lot of advice saying that I should clearly identify roles and responsibilities in our housefold. That proved to be helpful advice in my family dynamic. We clearly identified swim lanes and that was helpful in avoiding conflict. I highly recommend getting everyone on the same page before you dive in.
I was blessed to have my mother care for me, she is really good at caring for others. She made me homemade soups, helped with laundry, and watched the baby while I went to a million follow-up appointments. I had peace of mind with her help. I know that stealing your parents isn’t always feasible so outsource if you can or call in some favors to friends. Try and get help so you can refuel and find quick moments of self-care. Self-care may not look like it did before but even a quick walk around the block alone can feel like a spa day after having a baby.
My mom was a huge piece of the puzzle but she wasn’t the only piece. I needed some of my contemporaries too. I needed a mom network that understood exactly what I was going through in this day and age. Because let me tell you, my mom and I swapped stories and things were quite different in the 80s.
All of my friends are amazing. I can only hope that you have friends like mine. If not, maybe it’s time to do inventory and upgrade if you aren’t seeing the same kind of love. I had friends, drop off an emergency breast pump, deliver meals and wine, facetime me from all over the world, send me gifts while I was pregnant to cheer me up and who checked in every day.
Can I tell you, I don’t think I showed up like this for all of my friends after they had their babies. It goes back to me saying you kind of don’t get it until you are in it. I showed up with gifts and I checked in but I don’t know if I really understood what they needed. If you have a postpartum friend, ask her if she needs lactation advice, for you to grab takeout or to watch the baby so she can take an extra-long shower.
I also leveraged and continue to leverage many wellness experts. I always make time for mental health, I meet with my healer one to two times per month over the phone. I called him shortly after my delivery to help with my surgery PTSD and I cried it out on the phone with him and then fell asleep — while I was still on the phone. That was hands down one of the best therapy sessions (and sleep) I have had to date. It is helpful to have an unbiased party you can dish it all to and who will never cast any judgment. Judgment is kryptonite for a new mom.
I also wanted to “beat” the fibroid holistically if I could so I dove into eastern medicine. I went to acupuncture and found that while it was disguised as acupuncture it felt like another therapy session but this time from a fellow mom. My acupuncturist was warm, empathetic and helped me heal in so many ways. We would talk about breastfeeding challenges and I would update her on my experience as a new mom. I found a practitioner who is focused on pregnancy and postpartum health. She was a recommendation from one of the mamas in my tribe. It was really hard to find the time to do this and I sometimes felt stressed and guilty leaving the baby but it was necessary to fill my cup. Mom and my husband pitched in so I could go and baby did her thing too. I leveraged my insurance for this care so that’s something to explore since it can get pricy.
Another amazing resource that I leveraged was a lactation consultant. She was recommended by another amazing mom in my tribe. I am going to write a whole other post on breastfeeding because I have a whole lot of thoughts on that subject but for now what I will say is that it was great to work with a lactation consultant who represented my needs and who wasn’t preaching her agenda, something that irritated me a bit at the hospital.
Lastly, make sure that your doctors match your personality. My OB and Hazel’s pediatrician have been critical in my postpartum journey. I ask them a million questions, call when I need to and there hasn’t been an ounce of judgment.
Something I will leave you with, my OB talked to me about “postpartum depletion” the other day when she was telling me not to get pregnant any time soon (she is a funny woman). And the concept is so interesting yet simple, the body is depleted after having a baby (so don’t go and have another right away). Yes, I can attest to that and I think that so many other women can too. It is important to fill the voids when you are depleted.
I shared some of the things that I did to fill my voids based on my circumstances and needs. That may look entirely different for you. Please recognize that it is not only okay but it is critical to ask for help and to receive it. We are all juggling so much as moms and eventually if you keep juggling one of the balls does drop. You deserve a community too and just like the proverb says one that makes you feel like you are in a safe and healthy environment.
I’m sharing some of my bay area wellness experts, please comment if you have any experts in your city that may be helpful to anyone who stumbles upon this post.
The root and branch accupuncture
I would see Courtney Reiman
Adrienne Lalanne also provided me with an amazing postpartum massage where I released so much tension and I subsequently pumped my personal best that night
Farrell Tophman was a wonderful help with breastfeeding and increasing supply
My friends
Just kidding, you can’t have my friends :)